Guilty
by sentinel10
Summary: It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he left and I had to stay behind. It wasn't fair that he could leave without me, that he could forget so easily, while I could barely breathe without him. It wasn't fair that Jacob got to live and I didn't.


**I do not own Twilight**

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Guilty

_adj._

having or showing a sense of guilt, whether real or imagined.

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Fairy tales aren't real. The concept of a happy ending is bullshit. True love doesn't exist, it never has. All of these things where designed for little girls, padding their way through life, with a smile of their face and their hearts on their sleeve.

They all believe that 'the one' is out there somewhere, waiting in the shadows. Waiting for them to fail, be in the line of fire, so the 'man of their dreams' can swoop in, catch their fall, stop a speeding car, a speeding bullet, and save the day.

And even if this does happen to a minuscule percentile of the female population, it will never happen to me – not again.

You see, I was saved. I was rescued from my deep wallowing depression, from my heart wrenching despair, from the lonely days that turned into pitiful nights.

I admit I had always been a loner, an outcast, but the day I phased, was the day my world fell down. Not many people can add 'murder' to their life long list of achievements. Not many people can accept the fact, that the man – _men_ – I loved, left me. Left me for the very women that were my polar opposites.

Emily was the perfect house maker. The perfect wife. The perfect mother.

Renesmee was born perfect. The perfect girl. The perfect woman. The perfect lover.

I used to think that Samuel Uley, the man I loved, the man who I had promised to give my everything to, was it for me. My love for Sam was made from the strings of familiarity, the strings of a small town, the strings of a young girl looking for the love of a man that would love them always.

When my world came crashing down around me I knew that I would never be the same. I wouldn't be the girl that had teddy bears perched atop of fluffy pillows. I wouldn't be the girl that smiled and laughed, holding on to his strong hand as we rough housed down near the cliffs. I wouldn't be Lee-Lee anymore, the name I had come to love and be known by.

The day Sam walked away, I was Leah again. I was Leah Clearwater, daughter of Harry and Susan Clearwater, sister to Seth Clearwater. I was Leah – and I was all alone.

I gave Sam the 'power' to break me, to crumble me, to take Lee-Lee with him when he left. He took my identity, my love, my heart and my soul.

As time passed, and the new winds would whip through my hair, I found solace in Jacob. It began as a family connection, a duty to our tribe, a 'role' to play between the packs. Yet slowly – it turned into so much more.

How exactly do you describe love? Would it be the longing looks we shared, the soft touches, the smooth embraces deep into the night? Would it be the deep booming sound of his laugh as we wrestled to the ground only to have us both freeze? Kiss? Touch? Make love atop the silver leaves on the forest floor, falling from the late months of Autumn?

How it happened, I can't explain. Why it happened, I still don't know. Because how do you fall in love with someone, when your hearts gone? When someone else has smashed it under their thick heeled boot, effectively destroying it as if it were glass. How do you give someone your body – when you have no soul? When you have nothing left to give.

"Lee?" I heard him whisper as I sat alone in the dark, my knees tucked tightly up to my chin. His voice was still able to start my cold deep departed heart. It held it's own aura, it's own presence, like his voice itself was a living thing.

"Go away Jacob" I replied, breathing deeply and squeezing my eyes shut, trying to rid my mind of _his_ presence that still lingered beside me.

Everything still lingered, from his deep soothing touches, to his feather like kisses. He would be gentle even when I asked him not to be, he took his time, even though I told him to hurry. And it wasn't just his physical aspects.

Have you ever watched – truly watched – someone you were in love with? A slight crinkle around their eyes when they smiled, the way they huffed out a long breathe of air when they where thinking of something important. The way the room seemed to shift when they entered a room, the way others would watch and move accordingly as if the make an unconscious circle around them, as if waiting.

"Why do you cry so much Lee?" The voice came again, making a slither of sadness strike in my already empty and bloodied chest. The hollowness of my body could be felt in my throat as I breathed. Something was missing, something more than just my heart.

"You know why I cry Jake" I croaked at _him_, this – _fragment_ – of my imagination.

"Please don't, it upsets me. I don't want to see you hurting. I don't want to see your cheeks streaked with tears and your eyes weary. Smile for me Lee, smile brightly again." He whispered, the darkness of the night combined with his voice making my skin crawl with an unidentifiable ache.

"I can't. _Please_ - go away" I said with a sob, lightly fingering the wetness leaking from my lashes with trembling hands. Just uttering to him, pleading with him to leave was the last thing I ever wanted to do, the last thing I have ever wanted to happen.

"Why must you always send me away? Can I not sit with you a moment? Hold you – for old times sake? Feel your breath against my chest?" He was opening old wounds as he spoke, old memories, memories that needed to stay buried, that hurt too much to relive.

Shaking my head and trying to control my breathing, I let out another sob. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he left and I had to stay behind. It wasn't fair that he could leave without me, that he could forget so easily, while I could barely breathe without him. It wasn't fair that Jacob got to live and I didn't.

"No" I answered simply, telling him the same thing I told him every night, as the clouds parted and the moon shone through the white room. The room was cold and the wooden floor was smooth as I arched my feet against its dark pine.

"Shall we talk then? Tell me a story Lee, you always did love a good story" He chuckled.

"Not tonight Jake" I said with a sigh, turning slightly away from the russet skinned man, trapped inside my room. "I'm tired. You know I always get tired at this time"

Sparing him a glance, I watched as he nodded his head, his deep chocolate eyes never leaving my face. "Should I just let you sleep then baby?" He asked as the moon shone on one side of his face, almost illuminating the skin and features there, tempting me even more to give in to his requests.

"Yeah" I breathed softly, looking down at the wood of the floor and curling my toes. I really did need to sleep. I was so tired, so weak and so so sad.

"Would you like me to tell you a story then?" He pushed, a small grin beginning on the side of his lips. "Your favourite? How about-"

"Please, _just_ stop!" I cried out, burying my head down and holding my hands over my ears. "Why won't you just _stop_! Why do you continue to torture me by being here? Why don't you just fuck off, leave me the hell alone?" I all but screamed, pleading with him to give my sanity back.

Why was he here? Why was he in my room, alone with me, when I knew for a fact he was half way across the country with his wife. He'd made sure to move all that way from me, maybe in the attempt to keep me out of his happy ending? Maybe Renesmee fulfilled his life so wholly he didn't need anyone nor anything else? Had he known I would never be able to save enough to even visit him? Why didn't he leave a number? Surely he had a phone right?

"You know I can't do that" He whispered, moving from the small wooden chair. Slowly he propped down, resting his legs on either side of me, snaking his hands around my waist and pulling my back towards his chest. "You know I will _never_ leave you right? That I'll always be here. Exactly like I promised"

"But you already left-"

"But I'm with you Leah. I'm here with you now aren't I? Like every night?"

His arms were warm and my mind swirled as his scent flew around me, blocking my senses and becoming everything. I was breathing him in, leaning against his heart, and feeling the thumps of his huge heart, beat into my back – again.

"Jacob - " I began, laying my head back and relaxing my shoulder's, finding the familiar comfort of his body. "Do you ever think what it would be like if we had never met?"

I could feel his body tense as he contemplated my words thoroughly. "Do you think that if I were dead, that the pain would stop? That I wouldn't miss you anymore? That this whole fucked up situation would cease to exist?"

"Leah, I-"

"That it could just be me and you, the two of us again. Just _us_, no one else, no sounds but each other's breathing, no thoughts but of each other, no love - but our own?"

Brushing his fingers over my shoulder, he pulled the long tresses of hair to the side and placed a simple warm kiss against my skin. "Death is _never_ the answer Lee. There is more to life than anyone can know. There is nothing more beautiful than living through the pain, because in the end, the prize will be so much more sweet. For how could anyone ever know true love, if they have never known heartbreak? How could anyone love without feeling hate? See without being blind? Be found without being lost?" He answered, his kisses slowly peppering my skin and moving from my shoulder to my neck.

"Why did you leave?" I sighed, laying my arms over his, as they held tightly around my waist. "Why didn't you fight it? Why did you have to leave in the middle of the night? Why don't you call? Why don't you visit? Is it that you don't love me anymore? That you love her _more_? Did you _ever_ love me?"

Jacob's lips stopped in the crook of my neck to lift his face and rest his chin on my head. "I'll always love you Lee. And you know why I left. I was hurting you. Hurting you so much. I couldn't lie to you anymore because I do love Nessie too. It's not that I love her more or you any less, it's that deep down in your heart of hearts you know that no matter what we _both_ wanted, that I would always end up going back to her" He sighed, his warm breath ruffling through my hair. "I can't hurt you Leah, it's not in me to"

"You _are _hurting me Jacob. Your hurting me and I can't breathe without you. Why did you leave me? Why was I not good enough, why am I never good enough?" I cried, slinking back into him and weaving my fingers through his. "Why am I always left behind?"

"The only thing you need to know is that I love you – You've always been enough Leah. There are so many people that love you. Your mother, Seth, the pack- No matter what happens you will never be unloved, my sweet, _sweet_ Leah"

"Why are you here?"

"As long as you love me, want me, I'll always be here Leah. No one can keep me away from you. Not even death" His whispered, holding me impossibly close and humming into my hair. "It'll never be over, it's always been you"

Blinking slowly I felt the heavy sleep dawn on me, it was finally working, my eyelids growing heavy and my breath evening out. "Will you stay with me Jacob?" I mumbled, pushing my body back into his and resting my cheek against his upper arm. All the strength of my body was slowly leaving me, my hands eventually dropping from his to rest by my thighs.

"Of course I'll stay" He whispered kissing my hair and humming deeply, making the light buzz move through my whole body.

"Are you happy Jacob?" I asked sleepily, nuzzling myself into his warmth with my face.

"Yes Lee. I'm so happy. Sleep now my love and let us – _forever_ - be together in your dreams."

"I love you Jake-" I whispered, feeling the last of my life force leaving me, my wolf trying desperately trying to fight the onslaught of the medication following directly to my heart. A heart that no longer had anything left to lose, a heart that was tired, a heart that was broken, a heart that with Jacob could no longer continue beating "- till my heart stops beating"

"I know Lee. I _know_-"

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"Leah get up, the guys are here and you said you were going to come to the cliffs" I whined, rapping on my sister's door, with long hard knocks. "Jeez Leah – you sleep like a log" I huffed out, wiggling the door knob and trying to push my way into the deep dark depth's of her room.

She'd been so distant since Jacob left with the Cullen's. It was heartbreaking to watch, and that was saying something. I thought nothing would be worse than what Leah went through after Sam, but this depression, this morbid sadness she was feeling was depressing the whole pack.

It was more intense but different. She didn't lash out, she didn't swear and make everyone's life hell, instead she chose to smile and went on like nothing happened. That was until the night came. It was scaring me to see her this way, so lost and so unlike anything I had seen before. I missed my sister, and I couldn't do a thing to bring her back.

"Any luck?" Embry asked, coming up the stairs, his mouth stuffed with the sandwiches I'd made last night for the day out. Glaring at him, I shook my head and knocked again.

"Just kick the door down Seth, she's probably got her headphones on or something" Embry said motioning to his ears and shoving the meat filled sandwich further into his mouth.

"Whatever" I replied, rolling my eyes and wrenching the knob harder. Finally getting sick of knocking and calling out, I rammed my shoulder into the door and budged it lose. I managed to get the door to open slightly, though I could tell something had been jammed up against the door.

Looking through the slither, I could see the room was dark, her curtains still pulled, hiding the bright rays of the sun. Roaming my eyes over the room my heart sunk as soon as I spotted her. Leah was propped up against the small sofa chair next to her bed. She sat with her legs sprawled out in front of her, her arms resting by her sides and her head down. Her hair was spilling over her face, hiding her from me, but I could tell by the non existent movements of her chest, that she was gone.

"Leah-" I cried, backing up from the door and running at it with all my strength, using the force of my shoulder to push away the object that was stopping me from getting in the room.

"Seth, what the-" Embry questioned, panic lacing his voice as he watched me rear up and kick my foot against the door.

"She's – _Leah _– she's-" I screamed, unable to answer him in any real sentence. "Fuck! Get some help Embry, call someone"

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"Lee, lee, Leah" I cried grasping my sister's shoulder's and shaking her. Brushing her hair back out of her eyes, I rested my lips against her forehead and cried against her cold skin. She was so limp and heavy in my arms as I tried to hold on to her, hold on to the girl, my sister, Leah.

She was so cold and her lips were a light blue, her skin pasty and not radiating the normal sun kissed glow she always had. Her eyes where closed and her eyelashes were resting against her high cheeks.

It wasn't just her body that was cold, it was the whole room. It felt like there was an air conditioner in the room making the hairs on the nape of my neck stand up.

I didn't know how long I whimpered and cried, holding my sister against my chest, trying to make the warmth of my wolf leek into her own body. My wolf was scratching at my insides, howling to be let out and find the _thing_ that did this to my Leah.

I was her brother, I was supposed to protect her from hurt. Even though I was younger I was meant to be the one, keeping her together, showing her tenderness and love, spending time with her when no one else would.

The burden of my heart sunk lower and lower until I could taste the bile rise in my throat. I had failed her in every aspect.

"Seth, honey, you have to let go" Emily whispered bending down and trying to pry Leah out of my arms.

"No" I snapped, pulling her closer and glaring at Emily through my tears. "Stay away from her, you just want to hurt her"

Emily sighed and pulled her arms away slowly. "Seth, I don't want to hurt her, I want to help you, but you have to give her to me" Her lips were trembling as she looked back a forth between me and my sister.

"_How_? How are you going to help?" I screamed, pressing my cheek against Leah's cold one.

"Calm down Seth!" Sam snarled, upset that I had raised my voice to his precious Emily.

"Fuck off Sam. Get the fuck out of my face" I hissed, curling my arm under Leah's knees and back and rising to my feet. She was always so skinny, but the dead weight was straining on my arms, not only that my heart was feeling like it was being squeezed with an indescribable pain. "You have no say in this. She is not your burden to bare"

"Where are you taking her?" Emily cried out, watching as I stalked out of the room.

"I'm taking her away from you all" I spat, making my way down the stairs, passing each one of the pack members and their imprints. Each one gasped and most of the girls turned away from the sight, burying their faces in their partner's chest's or shoulder's.

"I called Jacob" Rachel whispered to me as I passed her, heading to the door.

I felt a fire move through me and I wanted to strangle her for mentioning _his_ name. "Call him back. Tell him to stay away. He didn't care enough for her when she was alive, he will _not _get the privilege of crying for her now she's gone."

"But-" Paul tried to interject before I stopped him with a glare.

"Jacob left her. He left her here, after all he promised. He lied to her and in my books he might as well shoved the pills down her throat. Jacob Black's a killer." I hissed unafraid of hurting anybody's feelings.

"Jacob killed my sister"

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AN- I'll have to do a sequel of Jacob's thought's and feelings when he finds out about Lee... T-T... This just about topped off my angsty weekend.


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